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My name is Melissa, I’m 5’1, live in Staunton Virginia and have miss-matched eyes.

I like most things artsy and love to paint, illustrate graphics, sculpt with clay, make jewelry and do some woodwork when I have the materials, yes… I was the only chick in wood shop, go me!

Geeky things take up far too much of my spare time. Social networks like twitter, plurk, facebook and the like steal my soul. Blogging bleeds it dry and building websites is a hobby of mine. I use the term build loosely as I mostly just design because I can’t code my way out of a paper bag aside from the standard ‘make it logical, make it appear’ coding.

Contrary to popular belief I CAN read and enjoy doing so. I’m also a huge dork who collects kawaii stationery items because there’s nothing more fun (that’s sarcasm people, look it up) than writing, sending and receiving snail mail… hey, at least I admit my retardedness, what’s your excuse?

Animals make me smile and I’ll always help the ones that need it. I’ve saved everything from possums, deer, bats and chipmunks to baby mice and moles. Needless to say I have a few critters to call my own even though the list has slimmed down due to old age :(: Mello (a maincoon kitty) and Gizzy (a tuxedo kitty).

Coffee is an addiction and I love hot spearmint, peppermint and chai tea… Yes I’m aware that chai means tea, I didn’t name the tea, the Indians did, so blame them for me drinking a tea called ‘tea tea’ as it’s totally not my fault, I’m just an innocent bydrinker (I made that word up, nice ain’t it?).

And for clarification purposes, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a smart-assed goober who loves to use sarcasm at every available opportunity.

Latest Tweet:

Me http://t.co/Q59PvAZh

— ◕ ‿ ◕ (@comotized) May 17, 2012

Random Facts:
I collect grateful dead memorabilia
I wear flip-flops year round
My nickname is Melons
no, I won’t show you my melons…
I’m not afraid to scratch my crotch or boob in public
I say all the things you want to say but are too considerate to say out loud
I hate the color pink
Anime repulses me
Innocent looking people scare me, I’m convinced they’re the spawn of satan o_O
If I had a cock, it’d be bigger than yours
I can.. and will make you laugh
I will more than likely shock the hell out of you at some point and leave you wondering if I’m silly or just plain crazy
]I love to pick on people who visit the porn section of the video rental store
I moan when I stretch
My jaw is double jointed
I love to tickle people
I’m insanely ticklish.. if you poke me I will fall over in a fit of laughter
I’m a sucker for a pretty pair of eyes and a nice smile
My favorite animal is a frog
Bees love me. They like to land on me and I can pet them without getting stung.
If I stand in the middle of the fish section of a pet store I can get all the fish in all the tanks to follow my hand gestures.
I smoke even though I really want to quit.
In June of 2011 my doctor almost killed me from the medication he put me on.
The medicine made me snap and consume a handful of pills.
I almost died.
I have severe acid reflux
I have social anxiety and chronic depression
I have a lot of hereditary health problems
I have a southern accent
I can’t say the word ‘rural’, it’s an evil word and impossible to say!
When I say ‘country’ it comes out as ‘cunt-tree’
I will laugh if you trip and fall
If you hit the ground I’ll help you up and brush you off
I’m a nice package of contradictions
I enjoy getting messages but rarely send one first
The same goes for comments
I love to snuggle
I hate talking on the phone
I don’t own a webcam
I can type with my eyes closed
I’m the queen of multitasking procrastination
I bite
I’m attempting to build a teddy bear fish tank
yes, it’s an actual teddy bear
I have a supremely dirty mind
I say “fuck” far too often
I have calves of steel
I can more than likely kick you in the face without jumping
I can sound like a cricket
I do a mean forest gump impersonation
I rarely get a good nights sleep
I hardly sleep at all
I like my bath water 2 notches below scalding
I’m agnostic
I interrogate telemarketers
I stutter when excited
I only eat when my stomach growls
I have a lot of random, useless facts

My Bookshelf:

Melissa’s favorite books »

Favorite Quotes:
‘Well fuck me green and call me Gumby‘ – Me

‘If only I drank beer I could palm slap me a midget‘ – Me

‘Fuck a vibrator… I got a shock box!‘ – Me

‘I thunked it… but I din dood it.‘ – Me

‘Ive got more drag than you have hang‘ – some 8 year old

‘Don’t dismiss the sadness in your eyes; it can be a source of power rather than a source of shame when you own it. Ignore it and it weakens the whole‘ – Unknown