So yeah, I was licking a postage stamp earlier today. It’s a natural process that occurs when sending out a message though snail mail. And sometimes, if you’re unlucky, a very quizzical and thought provoking process at that.
While I was licking the stamp I got to thinking about how gross the adhesive tasted. Following which I started thinking about why some stamps are sweet and others are vilely bitter. What exactly do they put into stamp adhesive to give it such flavor?
So I put the stamp onto the envelope and set it aside for mailing. Unfortunately the thought process over adhesive ingredients hadn’t left my mind. Normally I’d push the thought away and search for a new topic but for some reason this one just seemed too interesting to pass up. So I let the wheels turn.. and turn and turn some more.
A million possibilities floated into my head but the one I found most amusing, and disturbing was my theory that the government had a set of elves mixing up each and every fresh batch of stamp adhesive. Now these elves are very special elves. One is a female named glue the other is a male who goes by the name of me.
Each day they wake up, put on their little glue suits and shuffle on down to their mixing stations. They work at the same factory but on separate ends (their supervisors don’t want them reproducing, they are special elves remember?), never seeing the other but each knowing the other exists.
The elves do their work but unlike most elves who are cheerful and vibrant these elves are forever downcast. Each one lazily dreaming of the one they know exists but can never see. It’s during these lazy, daydreaming times that the magical ingredient is placed into the adhesive.
For while their minds are preoccupied, their grimy, glue-covered hands are anything but.
It’s said that the male’s glue is bitter due to his sexual frustration while the female’s is sweet due to her everlasting hope that she will one day meet her missing link.
It’s a far fetched and downright outrageous theory but who’s there to prove it isn’t true? Furthermore it hasn’t been proven that elves don’t exist either so all in all it’s possible. Not likely, but possible. So before you go to mail another letter think about what it is you’re licking.
And if the elves don’t make you cringe, you can always stop to dwell on the fact that bug eggs or a highly contagious disease has been stuck to the stamp. As for myself, I feel much safer with horny elves than I do with eggs and disease. At least elves are partially human and won’t make me deathly ill. It really is your choice though.
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