Well, you guys may not see much of me after the 15th of this month. A nice, devious company decided to take money out of my bank account so unless I can make six spare bucks by the 15th I’m screwed. I’d been calling this company for over a month trying to cancel the account but their representatives were never available, and I do mean never. It’s one thing to have a busy company but when your only form of cancellation is by telephone you should at least have the decency to make it automated for those who do wish to cancel. Not to mention the fact that when you call them the first thing you have to do is punch in your telephone number and your user identification number, the least they can do is have their representatives check the database and phone back the people who didn’t get service when they have free time.

I’m so tired of things the way they are right now. Living day to day just praying I make enough to keep things in order. I do what I can but it just isn’t enough and no-one around here needs an employee with my skills. I come from a small town where computers are on the back burner so no matter how many good skills I have it isn’t what they need. So I apply and then sit back and watch while they hand over the job to some dim-witted hillbilly in a cowboy hat spitting tabacco from the side of his mouth every few minutes.

I need a break, from life, most importantly MY life. I’m tired of not having what I need, tired of busting my ass with little to no results, tired of being sick almost constantly I’ve been at the edge of the cliff for so long I can’t even remember where the solid ground is. No matter how hard I work I never seem to catch a break a real break. Just once in my life I’d like to see my work give a return instead of having someone or something smear it over the ground and laugh in my face.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, I know that but doesn’t the saying ‘good things come to those who wait’ hold any truth? I’ve been waiting since I was six years old. The sad part is I’m too damned stuburn to ask someone for help and accept it without having worked for it. I’ve never had anyone except my Nanny be there and help me so asking for help, let alone accepting it, doesn’t come easy for me. It’s alien to me, I know nothing about it. If I borrow so much as a dollar from a friend I feel guilty until I pay it back and by guilty I mean I will not rest until a fresh dollar bill is placed back into said-friend’s hand. Is that stupid of me? Probably, but when you grow up with no parents around and older siblings who could care less you kind of learn to fend for yourself.

I just need a break from the downward spiral. I’d like to actually climb the stairs instead of getting one foot up only to fall on my ass and slide two hundred feet in the wrong dirrection. It’s not just money problems either. My acid reflux and ulcer are as bad now as when they first figured out what was wrong with me. I can’t eat anything without getting massively sick or drink anything but coffee. Hell I’m not supposed to have more than a cup of coffee per day but what the hell am I supposed to do when everything else in sight makes me sick? I’m to the point where I don’t even want to eat anymore. I literally have to force myself to go into the kitchen and get something to eat.

Naturally every time I get sick I hear my mother bitching in the background about me being weird and why can’t I just take the medication? She thinks medication is the answer to every damned problem on this god forsaken earth but I can’t take the medication. I’d rather die than go through the pain and torment that medication put me through again. Whoever said paralasis was painless was obviously crazy and I will NOT spend another christmas or thanksgiving confined to a chair. I refuse to. If I have to be sick every day for the rest of my entire life, so be it.

*sighs* Anyway, Blinding-Light has opened up the voting for the awards. There are a lot of good sites nominated so swing on by and vote for your favourites.

Now.. I’m off to find a few inexpensive breakable items to ease the pain of my sad existance. There’s nothing like the crunch of glass to cheer ya up at 4 am…