I was hoping I wouldn’t wake up early today. My goal was to sleep until the daylight left the sky but my hope and goal was shot when I woke up having to pee

Being me, with the sleeping issues I have, I knew if I got up there was no chance of me curling back up to shut out the world. So I lay there and thought to myself ‘is it really important to get up and pee.. or can I roll over and forget about it?’ But of course the answer was obvious, so I threw off the covers grumbling and put my feet on the floor to make my groggy way through the garage and into the house.

I was so tired I completely forgot to put my slippers on, so by the time I reached the house my feet were frozen. The funny part was when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I had a big red mark on my forehead from sleeping with my hand curled under my head, my hair was every-which-a-way and my eyes were glassy to the point of looking stoned. In short I looked like a wild, blushing, forest faerie.

I couldn’t help but laugh at myself and think about how big of a retard I am. Luckily I get those thoughts and urges to laugh at myself quite often. So rather than dwell on them I scrubbed my face with some cold water and wandered out to the kitchen to grab my ever present companion… coffee.

So I make the coffee and all is going well. I’m standing, leaning on the counter letting the coffee cool between my hands when I go to take a sip. After taking a big gulp my face scrunches up into a mask of disgust and my eyes turn downward to peer into my mug with suspicion. ‘what the fuck is wrong with my coffee??’ I mumble under my breath.

At which point my mother saunters into the kitchen donning her famous grey kitten pajamas, sees my scrunched up expression, and says ‘I hope you checked the bowls before you fixed your coffee. I put salt in the old sugar bowl last night’ to which I ask ‘who puts salt in a sugar bowl? What is WRONG with you woman?!’

Her reply you ask? ‘Well… I got bored so I moved things around.’

So let me get this straight.. I woke up when I didn’t want to looking like a fucking faerie and because someone got bored, ended up with a cup of coffee I can’t drink? What is wrong with the mornings? Don’t people know you should not mess with people in the early hours of the day?? Where is the logicalness of putting salt in a friggin sugar bowl to begin with? I mean come on, WHO does that?? No one.. except my mother who puts things in strange places because.. oh my god, the woman got bored. The entire earth is going to crumble in upon itself if she can’t put salt in a sugar bowl to ease the boredom of her restless mind. *growls*

I hate mornings.